The streets of Hayden were bustling with activity. People rushed to and fro as they went about their daily business, rushing around without a care for who, or what, they bumped into. Zimra smiled as he observed them, for they appeared to him to be akin to ants, scurrying around determinedly, almost walking over the top of each other. He had to stifle a laugh when he saw a woman walk past carrying a large bundle of fruit, for she looked like a busy worker ant with a massive piece of food caught between it's jaws.
"I don't see what's so funny about this." Bunny commented sourly as she collected a set of dice from a leering shopkeeper. She almost threw a pair of coins at him as she stalked off. "Care to enlighten me?"
"Oh, it's nothing." Zimra replied, not wanting to share his fantasy about ants. It might make him sound a little... Crazy. "Just laughing. You've got to laugh, right?"
"Hmm?" She turned her head as she walked, looking him in the eyes.
He saw the look in her eyes and almost stumbled. Hastily he thought up a story, and said: "Well, you know how the old saying goes. You've got to laugh to stay sane, right? Whenever you get into a bad situation, just laugh. It works."
"Really?" She replied coldly. Then, so suddenly that Zimra almost leaped out of his skin, she burst out with laughter. There was no humour in it, though, and her eyes remained fixed on his.
"Uh..." He stammered. "You've got to put some effort into it, you know. Here, watch. I've had two thousand years of practice, you know? I have to try harder than anyone else to stay sane with a brother like Azarak. Right, here goes."
Zimra suddenly threw his head back and exploded into loud, burly laughter. His hair blew in the wind as his voice carried high in the air, bouncing between the tightly packed buildings and scaring multiple birds into flight. Everybody passing by stopped to stare as, unbeliveably, his laughter climbed even higher.
"Okay, okay!" Bunny grinned at him, grabbing his arm. Even she was laughing now. "That's enough!"
"I was only just getting started." Zimra replied, opening his mouth wider.
"Hush!" She placed her finger on his lips, giggling. Then she looked at him seriously. "You're an idiot, did you know that?"
"Yep. I know a lot more than you'd think. And then some."
"Good. As long as we've got that settled."
Smiling now, the two continued walking down the street hand-in-hand. A few people were still giving Zimra a wide berth due to his laughing spree, and this helped to speed their process down the busy street. As the day dragged on their list of purchases continued to grow. They found some cheap sausages from a shady looking merchant with a sweaty face, a couple of waterskins from a smiling tanner, and even a spare saddle for Bunnys horse. Her last one had been too lumpy, according to Zimra. Bunny said she didn't mind, and that she even enjoyed it, but he wasn't listening.
"So," Bunny asked while they were looking for some spare sleeping rolls, "Tell me some more about yourself. Who's the man behind the Hero?"
"That sounds like a newspaper article." Zimra laughed.
"Newspaper?"
"Oh, right, they don't exist anymore." He frowned. "A newspaper was basically a sheet of parchment with all the days news printed on it. They were sold every morning across the country, with different papers competeting against each other. Eventually they all started making up stories. Once I was accused of de-flowering a whole town of Virgins. Bah. The nerve. In fact, I still have the article with me."
"You do?" Her eyebrow rose. "Why?
"Although I assure you that the story was untrue, it was still quite an ego boost. I mean imagine that, a whole village of Virgins submitting to me." He rifled around in his pockets.
"Ugh. Men." Bunny sighed.
"What hun?" He pulled out a sizable pile of parchments from somewhere in his pockets. "I didn't catch that."
"I was just coughing."
"Ah ha!" He flipped through the parchments and selected a few of them. "Found them. Ahem." He cleared his throat. "Listen to this... Now which one is it again? Virgins examine local Legend - Shocking Scoop on Page 7? No, that one was a little biased. Buxom Beauties Bedazzled by Brazen Badboy? Not quite. Had some nice illustrations of me, but lacked on words. Aha, here it is!"


HERO OR THIEF? - VIRGINITY STOLEN
by Ivan Rodrick

It happend four days ago, in the small town of Marshire just north of the Briksan Peninsula. Legendary hero Zimra, notable for his many great deeds, such as slaying of the Beast of Bogdon, discovering Solomints temple and locating the lost treasure of El'orado was recently rumoured to have been hunting a more lucious treasure. The treasure of a Virgin girl.

In the small hours of the night, Zimra eloped into Marshire and set upon his devious task. He entered the residence of many girls by simply cutting a hole in the walls. The alarm wasn't raised until 5 in the morning, when local farmer and supposed drag queen Jock screamed so loudly half of the town woke up. "I was sleeping, see, and my wifes wig had fallen on my head... Yeah, that's right. My wifes wig. And her dressing gown. Anyway, he came into me bedroom, and he wrapped his arms round me. Then he musta realised I was a guy, and he let me go right quick. I thought I was going to die, so I screamed. Scared him right proper it did." Even though the town was now in an uproar, Zimra continued on with his lewd task.

The townspeople of Marshire are still in shock days after the event. "He just came in and took Lucy upstairs, and then was back down 10 minutes later" says housewife Julian Sandles. Another villager, one Adrian Mole, was equally shocked: "It was awful. Simply awful. I couldn't believe it. He even took one of my turnips afterwords, said he was hungry." Other reports tell equally harrowing stories. "Gosh. I still don't want to talk about it. Our Sarah hasn't been the same ever since. Won't come out of her room. Spends all her time looking at that poster of... Of him. He must have cast some kind of... Magic on them." says concerned mother, Sylvia Simpson.

Curiously enough, all of the girls involved in the 'raping' have declined to comment.

We will be reporting on this story more as news develops. For now, lock up your daughters, and your sons. Some say that his brother, Azarak, has a liking for the boys, since he has never been known to take a woman.

As a closing comment, I have only one thing to say. I hope he used protection.

Stay safe.


"Great isn't it?" Zimra beamed, handing her the parchment to study. "None of it's true, but I found it rather entertaining. You should have seen some of the stuff people wrote about us in those days."
"Yes, it's great." She neatly folded up the parchment and pocketed it. "You pervert."
"What?" He blurted out. "It's all made up! I never de-flowered any virgins! Not even one!"
"Uh huh." She waved him off with her hand. "Whatever."
A couple of hours passed before Bunny spoke again. Zimra didn't mind though, he was walking behind her, and the view from where he was looking was great. He knew he was being a pervert, but he didn't care. Hell, he was 2000 years old, might as well live a little.
"Look at that shop over there." Bunny suddenly pointed one out.
"What?" Zimra followed her hand. She was pointing at a shop bedecked with a dazzling array of rusty anchors, fishing lines, oars of all shapes and sizes and even spools of rope. "That looks like a fishing shop."
"Look at that rope!" She was already at the shop, almost caressing a long length of rope between her fingers. "Feel the texture. Oh, wow. Look at this one. It's so smooth."
Zimra, dumbfounded, took the rope. He prodded it, letting out small 'Ooh's' and 'Ahh's', although he had no real idea what he was supposed to be feeling.
"Can we get some?" She turned to him. "Please?"
"It's not on the list..."
"Please?" She begged. "Please... Master."
"Master?" Zimra's heart leapt. Without a second thought he threw a couple of coins at the shopkeeper.
"Thank you!" Bunny gushed, grabbing the rope and sticking it in her backpack.
"No problem." Zimra smiled at her, happy that she was happy. He still had no idea why, though.
As they headed back to the Inn, they passed more shops that caught Bunnys interest. She ended up purchasing some more rope, cloth bandages that, for some reason, she measured around her head and over her eyes, and even a dog collar, along with numerous hair clips and other womanly devices.
"Got all you need?"
"Uh huh!" She smiled.
"Well, that's good." Zimra groaned under the weight of the backpack. He'd offered to take it from Bunny, as a proper gentleman should. Being a gentleman sure was hard work, though. "We can get back to the inn now."
"Of course we can, Master." She replied. Then something caught her eye, and she rushed to another shop. "Oh, wow, would you look at that!"
"Women..." Zimra sighed as he caught sight of the shop. "What use is a candle in the middle of the countryside?

***

Chaewyn sighed. He was not having a good time. He'd spent the afternoon in the stable looking after the horses, and now he thouroughly reeked of them. It was early evening by the time he slumped next to Azarak, and then promptly had to get up again as he was ordered to move. Apparently working with horses made you rather smelly. Who would have though it?
"So, have a good day?" Azarak queried him.
"No." Chaewyn replied icily. "Did you?"
"Yep. Great day." The hero replied. "I've been torn on one subject, though. I want to sleep, but my feet are cold. Now... Are you listening? This is the important part. Picture this. My feet are cold, right? Well, I can rest them infront of the fire, and that'll make them warm. BUT! And this is a big but. What happens if I roll in my sleep? I'll set my feet on fire, right?"
"Right." Chaewyn replied with one eyebrow raised. Why was Azarak talking so strangely? Did being away from his brother have this big an effect on him? Surely not. Although, Chaewyn thought to himself, he had never seen Azarak without Zimra around before.
"Right. So I think to myself, I think, I need to come up with a solution. And while I'm thinking, while the old brain box is churning away," He cocked one thumb to his own head, "I literally hit the solution. My feet are resting on the table! So, if I move the table infront of the fire, and then put my feet on the table, then the fire will heat the table, and the table will heat my feet, and I won't have to worry about rolling in my sleep! Ta-da!"
"But I don't see any table." Chaewyn pointed out. Then, since he couldn't take it anymore, he asked: "Why are you speaking like that?"
"I'm bored." Azarak shrugged. "I'm paraphrasing Zimra, actually. This happend five hundred and seventy six years, three hundred and twelve days, and roughly 7 hours ago."
"What happend?"
"Table caught fire while he slept." He replied nonchalantly. "We died. Do me a favour, Chaewyn. Don't ever die by fire. It's extremely painful."
As Chaewyn's brain struggled to swallow this information, the door to the Inn's tap-room opened and Zimra and Bunny stepped in. They were still walking hand in hand, and Chaewyn's heart did an angry little flip of jealousy.
"Get your shopping done?" Azarak asked.
"Yep." Bunny answered, giving Azarak a less than friendly stare. "Took us all day, but we did it. Thanks for the help."
"That's what I'm here for." Azarak grinned.
"You know." Zimra turned to Bunny. "We could have finished a lot earlier if you didn't buy all that other stuff. I mean, what the heck do you need rope, candles and hair cl-" Zimra's jaw dropped as relisation struck. "Oh, by bloody Olam, that's what you need them for."
"Only just figured that out, huh?" Bunny rapped lightly on Zimra's head with her knuckles. "You're an idiot, hun. A loveable idiot, but still an idiot."
Chaewyn looked even more confused. "What exactly," He asked, "Are you two talking about?"
Bunny smiled her beautiful smile and winked at him. "I'll tell you when you're older, okay?" Then, out of sight so nobody but Chaewyn could see, she started making the puppet-string dance with her hand again.
"Ah." Chaewyn nodded. "I know what you mean now."
"How did he figure it out so fast?" Zimra looked appalled. "I bet he's never de-flowered a Virgin."
"I thought you didn't, either?" Bunny glared at him.
"Um."
"Well?"
"It was all heartless propaganda stirred up by the King of Luxia's daughter because I'd refused to take her to dinner." Zimra stammered, talking fast now, "I mean, she was a princess and all, but she looked more like a horse. I'd rather Azarak to dinner. No offence, brother."
"Oh Zimra." Bunny smacked him rather sharply on the arm. "How often do I have to tell you not to dig holes for yourself? It's far too much fun to watch, but you end up getting hurt in the end."
"I'll dig your hole for you, baby." Zimra replied without thinking.
Bunny growled and raised her hand high.
WHACK! CRASH!
It took a long time, but Chaewyn and Azarak eventually pulled Zimra's head out of the wall. It took him quite a while to clear his thoughts and figure out what had happend. She had magicked him! Magic! On a legendary Hero!
"Where is she?" Zimra moaned, spitting out a chunk of wood.
"She went upstairs. She says you can sleep down here."
"Damn it." Zimra sighed. "Crap, bugger and bastard. Why do I always screw it up?"
"Because you're an idiot, brother." Azarak laughed. Then he handed over a piece of paper. "She left you a note."
"Great." Zimra opened it, his eyes widening. "Oh god."


LEGENDARY HERO MAKES ASS OF HIMSELF
By Bunny

"I'm not even reading this." Zimra crumped it up and threw it into the fire.
"Good thing I made multiple copies." His brother laughed, pulling a stack of around fifty of them from behind a couch. "Don't worry, though. I already sent the stable boy out to deliver them to the whole town."
"I'll kill you."
"Why? You want to hit the front page again? Fame going to your head?"
"My fist will be going to your head in a second."
Chaewyn sighed. They were going at it again. Instead of standing in their way, he slipped up the stairs and into his room. As his eyes started to droop, he drifted off to sleep to the sounds of yelling down below. He found it sort of comforting now. He had no idea how he'd managed to sleep without the constant soundtrack of Azarak and Zimra's arguing. It was weirdly comforting. And with that, he fell into a deep sleep.